BORN TO GRIEVE

We are born to grieve. It’s in our blood and in our bone. Our ancestors grieved their dead as we grieve ours. The instinct to mourn is as natural and ancient as breathing.

According to anthropologists, about 108 billion human beings have been born and then died on this planet. Scientists estimate we’ve been around in our present mammalian configuration for about 200,000 years, give or take, so we’ve had a good deal of time to hone our bereavement skills. We’ve been practicing grieving those we love as long as we’ve been human

The ability to mourn each other is built right into our DNA. We don’t have to instruct ourselves to cry, to fall to our knees, to be devastated, bed-bound or suddenly without an appetite. It happens because we are a product of 200,000 years of loving, losing and lamenting. Like birth, sex, breathing and laughter, grief is one of the things our body is programmed to do without much assistance from us. We know this to be true because roughly eighty to ninety percent of grievers don’t seek help, advice or medical assistance during bereavement. Loving friends, family, pets, nature and a supportive community are all most of us need to deal with the upending challenges of loss. Grief is baked into our bones.

But just because we’re born to grieve doesn’t mean we’re instantly great at it. We’re also born to walk, care for our infants and sing but not at the snap of a finger. Mastering our natural abilities and proclivities takes attention, discipline and commitment. We can suck at grief even though it’s baked into our being. Often that’s a result of cultural and social pressures that exist outside of us. Have you noticed the rise of some really unhelpful modern bereavement practices that devalue mourning rituals like funerals, wakes, viewings and longer periods of time with the dead body? We are getting less and less easy with our dead and with being with our dying.

Grief is natural. It’s in us instinctually like sex, but both grief and sex take a little mature effort. Relationship guru Esther Perel reminds us that keeping desire kindled in a relationship requires consistent and dedicated effort and the willingness to learn.

However, if you think for yourself, and give your natural grief instincts the respect and opportunity they rightly deserve, you will discover sorrow flowing unhindered from your center. You will know what you need to do. Grief may peel us back, strip us down and carve a hole in our hearts, but it’s not foreign to us. As difficult and painful as it is, grief is your birthright.

Take comfort. You were born for this. Made for this. You were born to grieve.